Hello everybody, I'm the bastard that broke my brother's arm and shot him in the ankle.


Sadly, Neil James passed away suddenly but with panache on February 16th 2016.
He is sorely missed by family, friends and the wider community.
Any donations should be sent to Cancer Research or the R.S.P.C.A.

Thank you.

In the meantime, here is Neil's Bio

Been here and there.
Done stuff.
Not done other stuff.
However, by special request, here is a list of my achievements:

  • I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
  • I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
  • I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees.
  • I write award-winning operas.
  • I manage time efficiently.
  • Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
  • I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing.
  • I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed.
  • I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
  • Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
  • I play bluegrass cello.
  • I had trials with Manchester United.
  • I am the subject of numerous fly on the wall documentaries.
  • When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.
  • I enjoy urban hang gliding.
  • On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
  • I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
  • Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
  • I don't perspire.
  • I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
  • I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque.
  • Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
  • I run the 100m in 9.65 secs.
  • My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
  • Children trust me.
  • I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
  • I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
  • I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
  • I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.
  • I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
  • While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
  • The laws of physics do not apply to me.
  • I invented gravity and receive a hefty daily royalty from God for using it.
  • I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
  • On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
  • Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
  • I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster.
  • I breed prize-winning clams.
  • I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.
  • I have played Hamlet.
  • I have performed open-heart surgery,
  • and finally, I have spoken with Elvis.

  • Not a bad set of achievements I think you'll agree!

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